Damn Shoes


I’ve peed on cars. I’ve peed on my damn shoes while attemptin’ to hit cars. I’ve peed in kitchen sinks. Went once in my snowsuit. Wasn’t always drunk neither. Just not too good at holdin’ it in and it’s like they say when you gotta go you gotta go. Never my intention to make such a mess but there it is. Just can’t stand the discomfort I guess. Used to keep empty bottles in my car and fill ’em up without ever havin’ to pull over. Not a skill I’m proud of but a skill all the same. Would’ve made a good long distance trucker or somethin’ but I have this bad hip and long distances always got the better of me. Put me to sleep too. Hit that highway and I’m out cold.

There was this one time a friend and I drove out to California. I slept most of the way there and did it again on the way back. Felt kinda bad about that. Not much of a wingman I guess. Some people take their long-distance drivin’ as a point of pride. People take pride in all sorts of things. Growin’ up I was told by my preacher that pride was a sin. You hear all about folks takin’ pride in their work in their kids in their gardens and I can’t bring myself to call ’em sinners. But what else do you call ’em?

I once participated in one of those movements you see in them big pentecostal revival tents where the congregation falls to the floor and flops around like fish so overcome they are by the holy ghost. Well I was a full blooded sinner and wanted to get clean so I went down floppin’ around there with ’em. Couldn’t do it except for that one time even though it felt pretty good. Just couldn’t bring myself to act the part but that once.

Life is acting though ain’t it? The social contract and all that. Keepin’ hid from people what you really think. Smilin’ an’ laughin’. Somethin’ I never mastered was that laugh folks do when somethin’ profoundly unfunny is said. Seemed to me like the more important the joke-maker was the louder the laugh he got. Everyone around’d be hootin’ an’ knee slappin’ and I’d stand there blankfaced and untickled. I’d like to say that’s why I never climbed any social ladders so to speak but the truth is more honestly that I prefer it down here where no one’s lookin’. Keep your nose clean an’ your head down. I heard that expression from I don’t know where but boy I sure liked it. Became my whole philosophy.

Much as I can I keep my head down and my nose clean. Can’t say the same about my damn shoes but I’m workin’ on that.


Star Flailing


He stumbled out of the club and tripped over the curb as he howled at the moon. A paparazzo snapped his pic and slunk off into the night.

The only thing better than spotting a star in L.A. is seeing one fall.